How we got here (or not)

[caddyman]

So anyway, the conversation somehow, by way of one of those meandering routes where you can’t remember how you got there, came around to reminisces of the time, when we were kids and unofficially found out about the ‘facts of life’. When I say ‘unofficially’ I mean the kid at school who always knew these things first and spread the news, generally inaccurately and with furtive glee.

Furtle it seems, was appalled to find out at the tender age of seven or eight, that a ‘lady gets pregnant when a man wees in her bum’. Frankly I’d be appalled, too. If such misinformation is still in circulation in the primary school playgrounds, we may do well to reinforce it. Kids wouldn’t go near each other until well into their twenties, armed with that belief. Teenage pregnancy might stop over night.

I can’t actually recall, now, how I was told by the friend who knew all. Certainly by the time I attended a ‘sex education’ class at school with my Mum (there was a very sanitised film strip for my nine or ten-year old eyes) in attendance to ensure that my childish mind remained uncorrupted, I was able to answer her query as to whether I had any questions, with a jaunty ‘I already knew all that’.

So clearly I was either fibbing, or had found out and the official lessons simply confirmed it.

I do remember however, being vexed by the issue of the ‘outie’ belly button. I had seen a number of heavily pregnant women whose belly buttons had turned inside out. In this case, the sage at school, one David B¹ informed me with all due conviction and gravity, that this was an indication that the ‘baby was done’ and that the woman could simply press the ‘outie’ and give birth. This made eminent sense to me at such a tender age, but I couldn’t work out why they didn’t just press the ‘outie’ and have done with as soon as the baby was ready. Again my sage advisor had the answer. “Well, if you are already carrying bags, you don’t want to carry a baby, too, do you? Best to wait until you get home and can put them down”. He’d clearly given this a great deal of thought. And I was convinced.


¹Initial only, to prevent the very slight chance of embarrassment should he happen across this journal. bluesman knew the chap at Grammar School, but this was some years before…

Comments

[literaryrose.livejournal.com]

My mum left a book on my bed titled "Where do babies come from". No actual discussion - probably for the best!

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

Sounds rather civilised way to do it, to me.

[nortysarah.livejournal.com]

Brilliant! Unfortunately I don't have an outie and didn't last time, otherwise I'd be pressing mine A LOT!

[keresaspa.livejournal.com]

A small, rotund woman in a spangly waistcoat with a lump on her eyelid was brought in specially to my primary school when I was about ten to give us talks about "our bodies" and the like. My memories are vague but I recall some fainting and sickness, stuff about the onset of acne (which I somehow avoided all my life) and a bizarre experiment that involved leaving a potato sitting out all night. The connection that had to nookie is still lost on me to this day, although there was possibly more to it than I recall.

Mind you there were boys who from no age were familiar with the male side of getting jiggy if not the actual female role and who took some delight in describing it in great detail. At the time it didn't register with me that they were all inmates of the local children's home but when its name cropped up in child abuse investigations some years later that particular mystery evaporated. Ah the twisted joys of a Catholic education!

[november-girl.livejournal.com]

I actually found out by watching Monty Python's sex education lesson in The Meaning of Life. Seriously.

[ellefurtle.livejournal.com]

I feel I must know about the potato experiment, and I probably never will!

Outies

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Isn't this how it happens?

[bluesman.livejournal.com]

If the David B was briefly known as "Arfur," I can readily picture him giving you this information. He was an amiable fellow, but clearly not reliable about certain matters. Mind you, his logic was sound.

[karinmollberg.livejournal.com]

Oh dear, it all makes perfect sense until you realise reality, doesn´t it? Actually, I was able to say at school, too: "I already knew all that" when our fav. teacher darkened the room to show us some uninspiring film that must have kept most off the track for a while. Obviously, everyone was already having intimate relationships except me at the age of around nine or ten so they knew more, still. We were then allowed to pose questions anonymically, on notes the teacher answered as best she could. My parents had very bravely and sweetly tried to inform us kids about basic facts at an early age, and they were of the generation born in the late 1920s "because we had to buy a book".

[keresaspa.livejournal.com]

I wish I could recall the right way of it but it's a bit of a blur now. All I can recall is that little warty woman, whom I suspect may have scarred my psyche for life :D