Further ramblings of a self-made pauper

Today is broken. July 5th is officially a dud; if it had been a meal I should have sent it back to the chef with the suggestion that he give up and get a job road sweeping.

So far every decision I have taken has turned around and bitten me on the arse. I would go home and hide in bed for the rest of the day, but I’m not sure that would be any better and if something went wrong then, it would probably cost me money, too.

Getting to Euston this morning was fine, but once there we were informed that there were severe delays on the Victoria Line for whatever reason, so since the trains were packed I decided that it would be better to stay on the Northern Line and change at Bank. Well that idea was marvellous right up until the point that I had no further alternatives and then it went belly up. A train broke down, I don’t know, somewhere and we spent 20 minutes in the tunnel not moving whilst that train was shifted and the others in the queue before us we moved along. By the time we got to Bank, the people affected by the earlier derailment on the Central Line were beginning to percolate through, so I felt it best to stay on and change at London Bridge. I did so just in time to witness the Jubilee Line train pull out and have to wait ten minutes for the next. People out side of London do not generally understand why this is such a big deal, after all, ten minutes… All I can say is that ten minutes hanging around underground on a packed platform towards the end of the morning rush is rather different to waiting ten minutes in cool, but bright sunny weather on the branch line at Little-Pillock-on-the-Wold, thank you very much.

Anyway, I’m here now. Hot, bothered and narked and all I have to look forward to is proof reading THAT document.

Well I started out a few minutes late this morning and ran into the hell that is London Underground again.

The Victoria Line was suspended at just about the time I needed it, so I was forced to detour down to Embankment and pick up the (delayed) District Line. Embankment is one of the few central London stations not completely underground, so I had enough signal on my mobile to receive a text message from my boss informing me that he was on a train outside Victoria Station, unable to get in because there was no room on the platform. The passengers were getting tetchy, I understand.

I only mention this latest tale of travel woe because the Metro, the free morning paper strewn around the various stations and read by most people during their commute carried a story indicating that London has the best (though most expensive) transport system in the world.

If that is true, then I pity the rest of you.

Do you know, I can't be bothered to rant about it.

I am merely going to use the key words: Northern, Victoria, line and point you at the icon.

That is all.

Let's see, time to go home, but by which of the myriad choices tonight?

The Victoria Line? No, that's suspended.
The Northern Line? No, severe delays.
Piccadilly Line? Hmm... severe delays.
Bakerloo Line, then? Ah. Severe delays.
Shall I try a dog's leg confection on the Circle, District, Hammersmith and City, Central, East London, Jubilee or Metropolitan Lines?

Oh. Severe delays. That's the ENTIRE network then. All of it.

At least the Docklands Light Railway is still working. Not that it's any use to me.

That'll be two hours on the number 82 bus, then, will it?

How lucky I am to live in a city with such a splendid and up-to-date integrated transit system.

Ah Friday, best day of the week: weekend is nearly here and it is all anticipation of a good skive - I have nothing planned except perhaps wandering into Finchley to buy a waste paper basket for the bedroom (Oh, I know how to enjoy myself) and watching more football than many would consider sane.

There may be ice lollies, too; depends upon the weather.

The journey into work this morning was rather special. Northern Line to Euston OK; but traipsing around from the Charing Cross branch to the Victoria Line turned out to be pointless as the Victoria Line was suspended south of Warren Street because of signal failure.

Nice to have been warned.

I should have wandered back to the Northern Line Charing Cross Branch and made my way to Embankment, but the southbound Bank Branch train was coming in across the platform, so I though changing at Bank would do. The train was hot and crowded, so I bailed out at Monument instead, forgetting that that was on the north side of the Circle Line and that I would have to travel additional five or six stops. Still, it was less crowded and relatively cooler.

But it appears that the Circle and District Lines are subject to severe delays for some reason or other. Ah me. Forty minutes from Euston to Victoria…

And to add insult to injury, I remembered after the event that I could have changed to the Piccadilly Line at King’s Cross and exited at Green Park, leaving me with a pleasant walk down through the park instead of a slow moving heat and sweat fest at the wrong end of the city.

Tra-la.

Oh well, I’m here now. Another coffee beckons and then a smoke. Yes, I shall nip off for a ciggie, I think.

I've just checked the TFL website to see how the Tube is running tonight.

Imagine my joy to find that my branch of the Northern Line is suspended because they managed to derail a (happily empty) train at Archway. So, Victoria Line to Finsbury for me, followed by the overland to Oakleigh Park and a bracing walk laden with bags.

Fan-friggin-tastic.

Or I could spend a couple of hours crushed in an 82 to North Finchley.

West Finchley tube station, just two stops down the line from Totteridge and Whetstone, where I embark upon my daily journey into the surreal is one of those quiet little stations on the London Underground system that is far enough out from the centre for the line to have emerged from the depths and run like any self-respecting train along the surface. If it wasn’t for the tell-tale station signs and the fact that only tube trains run through it, you wouldn’t think you were in London at all, much less on the Underground system. It’s a sleepy, leafy little hideaway suburban station that could be anywhere in England; it comes alive for about 90 minutes in the morning and again in the evening before being left to the squirrels, starlings, finches and the occasional flasher.

So quite why the place was the centre of a security alert responsible for the suspension of the Northern Line between High Barnet and Finchley Central this morning is entirely beyond me. Some absent-minded cretin must have left his or her bag sitting on the platform and scared the willies out of the bloke in the ticket office.

Now I know that we have to be careful in these days of heightened lunacy, but really: West Finchley. Somewhere in the centre or on the route out to one of the airports, I could understand. Finsbury Park perhaps, about the same distance out as West Finchley, but the site of a rail intersection; but West Finchley?

Having texted the office to warn them I might be late, the system reopened and I got into work at the same time as usual, despite it all. The relevant idiot just managed to raise my blood pressure for a few minutes, is all. I daresay it was all a little more inconvenient for several thousand other commuters though.

I mean really, West Finchley?

NB: The hassle was not enough to warrant the relevant icon.

The Transport for London website tells me there are 'minor delays' on the Northern Line, due to an earlier signal failure at Finchley Central.

Frankly this tells me nothing; I might get a train as if nothing had happened, or I might get to spend an additional half hour crammed underground with my nose stuffed in someone's armpit.

One day there will be no need to use the Northern Line, and I shan't know what to do with myself.

Other than rejoice heartily, that is.

Severe Delays

When I am dead, that can be inscribed on my tombstone. There was a signalling failure at Kennington on the Northern Line last Wednesday morning. There is still a signalling failure on the Northern Line at Kennington this morning. It has been the same every day in between times, and the advice is to use alternative methods of transport.

Well, I suppose I could take the bus. That takes a mere hour and a half to cover the 15 miles in to work, even outside the rush hour, and involves changing at North Finchley. It does, however, drop me off directly at Victoria Station.

There is the overland from Oakleigh Park. If it turns up. I have been informed that it used to be an excellent fall back, if the tube was out, but since the Hatfield crash, it is often delayed, cancelled, or simply just intermittent. Whichever mood it is in, it seems that it is only to be used in extremis. Happily, the severe delays of the Northern Line have not yet acquired such a status.

The thing about the phrase severe delays on the London Underground, is that it can mean that your journey takes between 10 and 20 minutes longer than it should, so it’s hardly earth shattering for most of the time. Where the problem lies of course, is the fact that it is an extra 10 to 20 minutes stuck in an over-stuffed, cramped carriage 200 feet underground, with your nose pushed into someone else’s arm pit, and with inadequate ventilation.

Nice.

There is a £100,000 prize offered by the Mayor of London for anyone who can devise an efficient and cost effective cooling and ventilation system for the network. I’m no engineer, but why hasn’t one of you buggers out there won it, yet?