Tomorrow

[caddyman]

I am not looking forward to morning.

Tomorrow is the funeral, and as Shalewa's line manager I am going along to represent the division. I am also going along to represent myself, because I liked the woman. But I don't know any of her family, and I don't know what one says in these circumstances.

At what point do condolences, however sincere, become intrusion, and where is the dividing line between reserve and standoffishness? How long do I stay before I have outstayed my welcome at a family event, and how do I know that I am leaving disrespectfully early?

What do you say?

I am no good at funerals. I don't do funerals. I have only done three in my life; I avoided each of my paternal grandparents' funerals because I was young and didn't understand. I missed Uncle Des' funeral in January because I had to pack and get the Hell Out Of Dodge a week later, and couldn't spare the time or money to go back to Telford.

I have been to three funerals. Precisely that. One for my Uncle Ted who I'd only got to know in the last three years of his life. I was surrounded by family - my family - I'd never met.

What do you say?

Twenty-five years ago, I went to the funeral of my best friend's father. It was a frosty and cold January morning and I recall thinking how considerate that they'd gone for cremation.

I would rather do just about anything other than attend the funeral tomorrow.

But I liked Shalewa, and her desk is an empty space in the office. So I shall just bite down hard and go.

Comments

[binidj.livejournal.com]

I have a funeral tomorrow as well for the wife of one of the chaps I roleplay with on a Tuesday. It is, I think, pretty much normal for people who had no strong emotional tie to the deceased to feel the same way you do. My advice, for what it's worth, is to go and mourn the passing of someone you were fond of and let her family know that that is why you are there.

[jennanne.livejournal.com]

*thinking* Maybe you could say something along the lines of.... I'm really going to miss working with her..... the office is not going to be the same anymore.... just something you remember about her... maybe her smile cheered you up... or she always knew the write thing to say... If you do not want to get to personal though maybe you could say. I'm sorry for your loss. Keep it simple. As for when to leave.... judge that when you get there, if your talking to people here and there stay, if it's been a while since you have spoke with someone and all the services are done you could quietly slip away and I doubt anyone would notice since you do not know the family that well.

You'll make it!!! Just hang in there!! *hugs hugs*

[romney.livejournal.com]

A good social way in, for you, would be to locate another attendee who is also a smoker and chat when having a ciggie, explain who you are and that you want to express your sorrow at the loss of a workmate and friend, and how much she meant to the office. Ask your smoking buddy to introduce you to others.

Forget too much stuff about how hard she worked or how indespensible she was, just let her family know that people miss her.

And if in doubt, just roleplay the whole thing.

[itsjustaname.livejournal.com]

"But I liked Shalewa, and her desk is an empty space in the office."

Say that.

To be fair, no-one's going to care much what the actual words were. Go to the funeral, sit near the back for the service, find the parents/husband afterwards and explain who you are and that she was well-liked in the office and is deeply missed, and then leave.

[pax-draconis.livejournal.com]

It does not matter what people think; it does not matter what you say. It matters only that you have chosen to pay your respects to someone whose passing has affected you. This is what people will remember when they descend from their berg of grief.

Do not plan, or rehearse. Simply say, if asked, what you think. In this case, honesty will do no harm.

I am no fan of funerals either, but they are a full stop, allowing a pause for breath before the proper processes of grieving begin.

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

There's plenty of good advice given by others here; the process is called 'paying respect' for a reason, and your respect for this lady is evident.

I don't know what to wish you on so difficult an occasion; peace of mind and a gentle day, perhaps.

[caffeine-fairy.livejournal.com]

When Ted died, David took Gary (who had never been to a funeral before) to one side and said "As long as you are sincere, there is no way to do this wrong."

Go along, introduce yourself, say how sorry you are, and let your sincerity speak for itself.

[littleonions.livejournal.com]

Often because of the above stated resons people avoid talking to bereaved folks, which is a bit of an error and makes death seem like a contagious disease. Speak to her rellys, (if they aint inconsolable that is) tell em how much you liked her and how much she will be missed, it may provoke more tears, but that is what funerals are for, you won't be intruding.

[bluesman.livejournal.com]

As I am eight hours behind you, I am only now reading this and I am thinking you already went to the funeral, and have returned. Were you okay? I'm sure the family was pleased that you cared enough to come along.

I trust you did not turn up in frock coat and pith helmet?

Call me an odd duck, but, as miserable as funerals are, I prefer them to weddings. I always sympathise with the family's loss (especially if it's my family and therefore one of my relatives who has passed) and usually get very emotional. Weddings are dull, last too long and I want to bugger off home after an hour. Selfish blighter. Still, my own wedding last year was utterly great, thoroughly enjoyed it except that I did not get to snaffle enough of the spectacular Mexican nosh.

[mollpeartree.livejournal.com]

1. No one in the grieving family will know whether you're there or not unless you're actually in front of them and speaking to them, so you can leave whenever you want after you've personally expressed your condolences.

2. Agreeing with many above that simplicity is best. You don't need to explain that you weren't that close to the deceased, as long as you identify yourself as a co-worker people pretty much know what degree of relationship that is. Just express that you're sorry, everyone at the office will miss her, etc., no more than that is really required. This kind of expression is conventional for a reason--it does make survivors feel better just to know that the loss of their loved one is felt and regretted by everyone who knew her.