FAROUKH!

By way of getting the message across without actually swearing!

I know I can't sew. But I just had to try it anyway did I not? Oh yes. And it took me bloody ages.

All I was doing was trying to stitch down the collar on my frock coat of many colours - it has a habit of curling up at the back. Velvet, you see - proper velvet, none of this crushed rubbish, to quote magpye who kindly arranged for the assemblage of said garment.

Now a fab and groovy coat it is, but the collar curl narks me a tad.

So, thinks I. A hook and eye (poetic) will do the trick. Well so it might if applied by someone with dexterity greater than an arthritic gnu.

Tomorrow I shall unpick my handiwork and contemplate the possibilities of small strips of Velcro.

Not tonight, though. My patience has reduced to the level where the thought of shredding something seems very, very satisfying.

And I like the coat far too much for that. Plus, of course, it cost a number of shillings commensurate with the skill of the fabricator which is somewhat greater than mine in these matters (by an extraordinarily large factor).

So I shall bide my time. Think pleasant thoughts. Achieve a Zen-like calm.

And kick a plastic bottle around the kitchen for ten minutes.

That'll do the trick.

FAROUKH!

By way of getting the message across without actually swearing!

I know I can't sew. But I just had to try it anyway did I not? Oh yes. And it took me bloody ages.

All I was doing was trying to stitch down the collar on my frock coat of many colours - it has a habit of curling up at the back. Velvet, you see - proper velvet, none of this crushed rubbish, to quote magpye who kindly arranged for the assemblage of said garment.

Now a fab and groovy coat it is, but the collar curl narks me a tad.

So, thinks I. A hook and eye (poetic) will do the trick. Well so it might if applied by someone with dexterity greater than an arthritic gnu.

Tomorrow I shall unpick my handiwork and contemplate the possibilities of small strips of Velcro.

Not tonight, though. My patience has reduced to the level where the thought of shredding something seems very, very satisfying.

And I like the coat far too much for that. Plus, of course, it cost a number of shillings commensurate with the skill of the fabricator which is somewhat greater than mine in these matters (by an extraordinarily large factor).

So I shall bide my time. Think pleasant thoughts. Achieve a Zen-like calm.

And kick a plastic bottle around the kitchen for ten minutes.

That'll do the trick.

Useless discovery...?

You, my only but attentive reader, will be aware that for reasons too onerous to repeat, I have developed an interest in vegetable soup.

And I have made a discovery of culinary import.

Basically, it is thus.

The making of soup is, once past the choppin' an' scrunching of the veggies stage, and well past the 'it needs another bat wing' stage, is largely just a case of boiling it until it screams for mercy. At this point you put it out its misery by applying the liquidizer.

Anyway, my discovery is this.

If, whilst you are boiling up your soup, you get distracted by say, listening to music, drinking coffee and faffing around on the Pee See, there is a reasonable chance that you might - how shall I put this - accidentally neglect the actual process of turning solids into liquids. Now, if realisation dawns while there is still enough liquid to stop it burning, but too little to call it soup, you can use the liquidizer to turn it into a paste.

This paste will rehydrate when you add boiling water and stir, which is lucky.

But more interestingly, if you have, say, this sudden urge to make toast and realise that you have sod all to put on it, you can add this veggie gloop and re-toast it. Sprinkle a bit of parmesan on it and voila!

Wasted toast.

Marvellous.

Useless discovery...?

You, my only but attentive reader, will be aware that for reasons too onerous to repeat, I have developed an interest in vegetable soup.

And I have made a discovery of culinary import.

Basically, it is thus.

The making of soup is, once past the choppin' an' scrunching of the veggies stage, and well past the 'it needs another bat wing' stage, is largely just a case of boiling it until it screams for mercy. At this point you put it out its misery by applying the liquidizer.

Anyway, my discovery is this.

If, whilst you are boiling up your soup, you get distracted by say, listening to music, drinking coffee and faffing around on the Pee See, there is a reasonable chance that you might - how shall I put this - accidentally neglect the actual process of turning solids into liquids. Now, if realisation dawns while there is still enough liquid to stop it burning, but too little to call it soup, you can use the liquidizer to turn it into a paste.

This paste will rehydrate when you add boiling water and stir, which is lucky.

But more interestingly, if you have, say, this sudden urge to make toast and realise that you have sod all to put on it, you can add this veggie gloop and re-toast it. Sprinkle a bit of parmesan on it and voila!

Wasted toast.

Marvellous.