The trouble with heatwaves

The paper says that we've just had record temperatures in the UK.

On Saturday it was 100F at Heathrow (but I'm honestly not sure that counts, what with all the heat spewed out by the average airliner and all). But yesterday, apparently, in Gravesend (a name to conjure with) in Kent, the mercury hit 100.6F.

The bookies are down £500,000 I understand, so it isn't all bad.

But 'record temperatures'?

Now I was certainly doing a creditable molten ball impression (currently not though, blessed office air-conditioning), but nothing else was, not even the tarmac on the road next to the village brown green. (I wasn't in London for this worthy event).

So how far back do you have to go before it's too distant to count as a local temperature for records purposes? Being a bit of a pedant, I'd like to point out that if you go back a number of million years, the UK was tropical (paradise, perhaps, who knows?), and if you go back a number of hundreds of millions of years, the entire planet was a huge sweaty, molten rock.

So, record temperatures?

More important is the dire news as reported in Saturday's Daily Star that the country was down to its last 10 days lager supply. Now, I don't usually credit the tabloids as a prime source of news delivery being a Times man myself, but in this instance I am willing to believe the Star since imminent lager drought is a clear and present danger to its reader base. I am worried that I haven't seen an update to this intelligence anywhere else - does this mean that we are now 8 days away from the end of ice-cold Pilsners? What of the Stockwell Gentlemen's Drinking Club - that indefatigable band of unwashed worthies who rant at park benches and pigeons whilst clutching their cans of Tennant's Export? They are a dedicated bunch and I don't see them falling back on bitter or mild when the extra-strong lager supplies dry up.

So, back to the carefully hoarded after-shave and window cleaner reserves for them no doubt.

But outside those august circles, what of the rest of us? I mean I'm not a regular lager drinker, but I do like Real Ale. Will there be a knock on effect? Will the lager louts switch allegiance to Real Ales and fine wines?

Most of them have neither the physique nor the facial hair for the task. Are we fat beardies to be invaded in our ale houses and taunted by hoards of tattooed oiks with no appreciation for the brewers art? People who would order a pint of Adnams or Harvey's and complain that it is not ice-cold (The same people, no doubt would mock Americans for the same faux pas).

The horror.

And that, dear reader, is why we need temperatures to fall by 10 degrees and get some rain, too.

Oh, plus the fact it's too cowing hot.

The trouble with heatwaves

The paper says that we've just had record temperatures in the UK.

On Saturday it was 100F at Heathrow (but I'm honestly not sure that counts, what with all the heat spewed out by the average airliner and all). But yesterday, apparently, in Gravesend (a name to conjure with) in Kent, the mercury hit 100.6F.

The bookies are down £500,000 I understand, so it isn't all bad.

But 'record temperatures'?

Now I was certainly doing a creditable molten ball impression (currently not though, blessed office air-conditioning), but nothing else was, not even the tarmac on the road next to the village brown green. (I wasn't in London for this worthy event).

So how far back do you have to go before it's too distant to count as a local temperature for records purposes? Being a bit of a pedant, I'd like to point out that if you go back a number of million years, the UK was tropical (paradise, perhaps, who knows?), and if you go back a number of hundreds of millions of years, the entire planet was a huge sweaty, molten rock.

So, record temperatures?

More important is the dire news as reported in Saturday's Daily Star that the country was down to its last 10 days lager supply. Now, I don't usually credit the tabloids as a prime source of news delivery being a Times man myself, but in this instance I am willing to believe the Star since imminent lager drought is a clear and present danger to its reader base. I am worried that I haven't seen an update to this intelligence anywhere else - does this mean that we are now 8 days away from the end of ice-cold Pilsners? What of the Stockwell Gentlemen's Drinking Club - that indefatigable band of unwashed worthies who rant at park benches and pigeons whilst clutching their cans of Tennant's Export? They are a dedicated bunch and I don't see them falling back on bitter or mild when the extra-strong lager supplies dry up.

So, back to the carefully hoarded after-shave and window cleaner reserves for them no doubt.

But outside those august circles, what of the rest of us? I mean I'm not a regular lager drinker, but I do like Real Ale. Will there be a knock on effect? Will the lager louts switch allegiance to Real Ales and fine wines?

Most of them have neither the physique nor the facial hair for the task. Are we fat beardies to be invaded in our ale houses and taunted by hoards of tattooed oiks with no appreciation for the brewers art? People who would order a pint of Adnams or Harvey's and complain that it is not ice-cold (The same people, no doubt would mock Americans for the same faux pas).

The horror.

And that, dear reader, is why we need temperatures to fall by 10 degrees and get some rain, too.

Oh, plus the fact it's too cowing hot.

Probably TMI, but what the hell...

Now here's a thing.

It is possible to sweat and shiver on one side of your body only.

It involves the heat. It always involves the heat these days.

The temperature reduces you to sitting in your skivvies with the fan at full belt blowing warm air on you at virtually point blank range. Now what happens, is that you sweat cobs, but the side with the fan stays dry because of the warm air blowing over you. The other side, in the lee as it were, continues normally and soggily.

So the one side is kept warm and dry, the other is soggy and cool. So that side shivers. The side with the fan doesn't.

Odd.

And disconcerting.

Sort of.

Probably TMI, but what the hell...

Now here's a thing.

It is possible to sweat and shiver on one side of your body only.

It involves the heat. It always involves the heat these days.

The temperature reduces you to sitting in your skivvies with the fan at full belt blowing warm air on you at virtually point blank range. Now what happens, is that you sweat cobs, but the side with the fan stays dry because of the warm air blowing over you. The other side, in the lee as it were, continues normally and soggily.

So the one side is kept warm and dry, the other is soggy and cool. So that side shivers. The side with the fan doesn't.

Odd.

And disconcerting.

Sort of.

Background research completed...

Ah, there we are.

Research finished and outline plot suggestion devised - after a few false starts. Stuff emailed to pax_draconis for consideration.

Whether we go with the plotline or not, beware, kiddies.

Planning for Rome is under way.

Bwah hahahahahahahahahahaha

Background research completed...

Ah, there we are.

Research finished and outline plot suggestion devised - after a few false starts. Stuff emailed to pax_draconis for consideration.

Whether we go with the plotline or not, beware, kiddies.

Planning for Rome is under way.

Bwah hahahahahahahahahahaha