Shoot them; shoot them all

Although I am not a parent myself, being the uncle of three and Godfather to two, I feel that I take a sufficient amount of interest in the upbringing and handling of the little brutes to be able to offer advice on children to those who have them.

Specifically, I would suggest to any young mother who feels that it is essential to take her little 12-18 month old girl on a tube journey toward the end of the morning rush hour, there are a few ground rules that should be borne in mind.

Rule the first: Assuming that the timing of the journey is unavoidable (because if you waited just a half hour, you would find the trains almost empty), try not to place your precious little bundle in the child-care equivalent of a Humvee. Commuters, already packed in beyond endurance will not thank you for breaking their lower legs and forcing them to stand at gravity-defying angles for upwards of half an hour. The staff and crew of London Underground are quite adept at the latter without your help and they are professionals. Remember: "smaller is better"

Rule the second: When your precious little darling gets restless, it is quite acceptable to pick the child up and calm it. It is rather less acceptable to allow the little bastard darling to squirm through the forest of legs of already pissed off and cramped commuters who can barely stand because you ignored rule the first.

Rule the third: There will inevitably come a time when little sweetiekins is bored, tired, hot and distressed from taking her little promenade through the carriage. She will probably feel somewhat aggrieved at the numerous accidental standings-on she will have received, too. You will understandably wish to calm and entertain baby snookums. May I suggest that whilst picking her up is a good idea, distracting her by bringing to her attention the (undeniably) entertaining, very red and accessible passenger alarm switch is likely to be unwise. Children are, by nature an inquisitive species.

It doesn’t take a genius to realise that baby Chlamydia -or whatever interesting name you Islington prats give children these days- will wish to investigate more closely.

And pull the lever.

I hope you enjoyed the ten minute standstill in a hot, crowded and stationary train several hundred feet below ground. I did; I was sitting down and dozing. The conversation around me was entertaining, too.

Shoot them; shoot them all

Although I am not a parent myself, being the uncle of three and Godfather to two, I feel that I take a sufficient amount of interest in the upbringing and handling of the little brutes to be able to offer advice on children to those who have them.

Specifically, I would suggest to any young mother who feels that it is essential to take her little 12-18 month old girl on a tube journey toward the end of the morning rush hour, there are a few ground rules that should be borne in mind.

Rule the first: Assuming that the timing of the journey is unavoidable (because if you waited just a half hour, you would find the trains almost empty), try not to place your precious little bundle in the child-care equivalent of a Humvee. Commuters, already packed in beyond endurance will not thank you for breaking their lower legs and forcing them to stand at gravity-defying angles for upwards of half an hour. The staff and crew of London Underground are quite adept at the latter without your help and they are professionals. Remember: "smaller is better"

Rule the second: When your precious little darling gets restless, it is quite acceptable to pick the child up and calm it. It is rather less acceptable to allow the little bastard darling to squirm through the forest of legs of already pissed off and cramped commuters who can barely stand because you ignored rule the first.

Rule the third: There will inevitably come a time when little sweetiekins is bored, tired, hot and distressed from taking her little promenade through the carriage. She will probably feel somewhat aggrieved at the numerous accidental standings-on she will have received, too. You will understandably wish to calm and entertain baby snookums. May I suggest that whilst picking her up is a good idea, distracting her by bringing to her attention the (undeniably) entertaining, very red and accessible passenger alarm switch is likely to be unwise. Children are, by nature an inquisitive species.

It doesn’t take a genius to realise that baby Chlamydia -or whatever interesting name you Islington prats give children these days- will wish to investigate more closely.

And pull the lever.

I hope you enjoyed the ten minute standstill in a hot, crowded and stationary train several hundred feet below ground. I did; I was sitting down and dozing. The conversation around me was entertaining, too.