The Aenidiad
Friday, May 14th, 2004 04:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
caddymanWell, $200,000,000 worth of cinematic tosh has just opened in the UK.
I am undecided whether I should see it or not, since Troy is getting an average rating of three stars out of five, and that seems to be on account of the technical wizardry of the CGI rather than for any genuine cinematic merit.
The Times is certainly hugely ambivalent about it, and can't quite forgive it for collapsing the Illiad and the Aenid into a single story of three hours from a war of ten years.
They are a little upset, too that the war is all about the conquest of Troy rather than the winning back of Helen (who is described as being responsible for "selling a thousand cosmetics" rather launching a single ship). Brad Pitt proves he can look pretty but not act, and because it is squeaky clean Hollywood is deprived of his gay love for Patroclus (who is relegated to become his cousin in the politically correct version).
Eric Bana apparently comes out with some credit and Sean (Sharpey)Bean is supposed to be good value. Other than that the good stuff is all about bunches of pixels hitting each other over the head with swords.
Ho hum.
Anyway, The Times taking its lead from Troy proposes other great block busters as yet unmade:
And if you think I'm joking, that was cut and pasted from here..
I am undecided whether I should see it or not, since Troy is getting an average rating of three stars out of five, and that seems to be on account of the technical wizardry of the CGI rather than for any genuine cinematic merit.
The Times is certainly hugely ambivalent about it, and can't quite forgive it for collapsing the Illiad and the Aenid into a single story of three hours from a war of ten years.
They are a little upset, too that the war is all about the conquest of Troy rather than the winning back of Helen (who is described as being responsible for "selling a thousand cosmetics" rather launching a single ship). Brad Pitt proves he can look pretty but not act, and because it is squeaky clean Hollywood is deprived of his gay love for Patroclus (who is relegated to become his cousin in the politically correct version).
Eric Bana apparently comes out with some credit and Sean (Sharpey)Bean is supposed to be good value. Other than that the good stuff is all about bunches of pixels hitting each other over the head with swords.
Ho hum.
Anyway, The Times taking its lead from Troy proposes other great block busters as yet unmade:
The epics that film forgot: An unofficial guide to the masterpieces yet to be made
Beowulf
Tagline: If you can’t stand the heat, then get out of the mead hall
Daniel Day-Lewis as Beowulf
Keanu Reeves as Third Geat
Bill Nighy as Grendel
Demi Moore as Mrs Grendel
Reeves: [uncertainly] Hwaet! My Liege, son of Scyld of the Scandian lands, destined slayer of the foul ravager that lays waste the hall of Hrothgar, like, what gives?
Day-Lewis: Ac he gefeng hrathe forman sithe / slaependne rinc, slat unwearnum, / bat banlocan, blod edrum dranc,/ synsnaedum swealh.
Reeves: I know, and have you seen the mother?
The Fall of Man
Tagline: They didn’t give a fig(leaf)!
Jude Law as Adam
Keira Knightly as Eve
Bill Nighy as The Serpent
[Enter Knightly, draped artfully in her own hair]: I’m bored, Adam, bored. Everything’s so nice here and I’m sick of all these ruddy animals.
Law: Can’t you go shopping or something? Get something to eat?
Nighy: Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
The Battle of Hastings
Tagline: It was all fun and games until somebody lost an eye
Harold: Billy Nighy
William: Gérard Depardieu
Foppish Spear-Carrier: Hugh Grant (this being a British film, directed by R. Curtis)
Nighy [nursing socket]: Zut alors, Bâtard!
Depardieu: Ah oui. Bien sûr.
The Dark Ages
Tagline: It was a vision thing
Peasant 1: that funny-looking one from The Office
Peasant 2: Bill Nighy
Peasant 1: Not much going on, is there?
Peasant 2: Naaaah.
Peasant 1: Bit murky, isn’t it?
Peasant 2: Perspective, that’s want we need. Fancy a bit of a Renaissance?
The Big Bang
Tagline: Of all the bangs, this was the biggest
[A blank screen. All of a sudden a loud noise after which everything really whizzes about. A fireball can be observed swallowing up its environs. It becomes rather hot. Nucleosynthesis takes place. Enter Bill Nighy as Stephen Hawking]: Cor!
And if you think I'm joking, that was cut and pasted from here..
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(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-14 09:42 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-14 09:43 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-14 09:55 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-14 10:45 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-14 09:50 am (UTC)...
Date: 2004-05-14 10:06 am (UTC)Re: ...
Date: 2004-05-14 10:33 am (UTC)[Whilst typing that, I noticed I was incapable of typing "European" without care and control. I was pleased.]
(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-14 10:47 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-14 10:52 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-14 12:32 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-14 12:01 pm (UTC)I'm going to start fancying Sean Bean by default if he appears in any more films with Orlando lady-boy Bloom.
Watched an old episode of Sharpe the other night on UK Gold or some such, it really was terrific nonsense of the best kind. I'd forgotten how much I used to enjoy it.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-14 01:40 pm (UTC)There is a Beowulf movie. It's quite graphic. Bleh!
(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-14 01:47 pm (UTC)13th Warrior ripped half the plot off, but I didn't know there was a Beowulf film.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-14 03:06 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-15 03:34 pm (UTC)Actually I think Orlando Bloom is quite tasty but I also like girls, so I'm nothing to go on. That image of Keira Knightley as Eve is going to stay with me though :)