How to answer the door in certain circumstances

[caddyman]

This is in answer to a post by mr_h_r_hughes. It is advice given to me many years ago, and I feel it should be passed on for the benefit of humankind generally.

Scenario: You are enjoying the free and quiet possession of your own home - and remember, it is your castle - there is a knock at the front door, or a ring of the bell.

You answer the door to find that there are two persons with earnest smiles standing there. They may, or may not have leaflets in evidence. There will be at least one briefcase.

Identifying themselves, in order of probability for the UK (this should be reversed in parts of North America), as Jehovah's Witnesses or Mormons, they will ask (and I believe the form of words is mandatory) "Have you thought about letting Jesus into your home?"

The correct and approved response at this time is to say simply, "He is welcome always. You pair, however, can fuck off".

It is permissible, indeed expected at this point, to slam the door in their faces.

Edited to add:

Just to be clear: I have no argument with a person having religion. It's thweird cults I don't like.

Comments

[mr-h-r-hughes.livejournal.com]

No I'm never rude, they never are. If they get pushy (and I've rarely encountered ones who are) then taht's a different matter.

Besides you didn't see these ones, I was feeling far more sinful after meeting them before which is probably not the effect they were going for : )

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

Never rude?

Are you the same Von Twine I have met, or are you a pod pretending?

[mr-h-r-hughes.livejournal.com]

Never rude to them.
I can be rude to you, you have a healthy constitution.

[agentinfinity.livejournal.com]

I always feel I should put in a good showing for the atheists of the world, a sort of 'see, I can be nice and polite, and I'm not religious'. Bit silly really, as it's probably wasted on them, but if I was rude it would only give them ammo.

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

Give 'em the ammo, I say.

They should be busy turning the other cheek (or rather they would if they had a proper religion, not their bizarre little sect).

[ribble.livejournal.com]

Alternatively, invite them in. They shall be so scared at the prospect of finally walking over the threshold after the 20 years walking rouge streets with no friend; they usually run off calling for the aid of their Lord in their wake.

Or so Jasper Carrott says.

[thalinoviel.livejournal.com]

No, I've done that. I was unemployed and desperate for human contact, so I let them in and we talked about God on several occasions. It was a little stilted, but OK. They kept looking up their Bible quotes (which they used to support everything they said), apart from one or two they seemed to keep as a universal panacea - which then turned out to have been severely taken out of context when I enquired further.

It was very amusing (in a slightly cruel way) when bytepilot joined in and talked about Eris. I don't think they'd really prepared for a rigorous debate. He also made them look up things in their little book of "why the bible isn't really logically inconsistent." (None of the reasons involved being written a very long time ago in several different languages and translated repeatedly and sometimes badly.)

Entirely the fastest way I've ever found to get rid of Jehovahs Witnesses is to tell them you're a practising Catholic. First time I tried it I literally didn't see them for dust.

[ribble.livejournal.com]

Sadly, not a practicing Catholic. Catholic nonetheless. Before I had a choice and my mother had packed me off to a Roman Catholic Primary School. I have however, made up for it since.

Funny things 'The Witnesses'. My colleague Andy is always one for rigorous religious debate. Especially when 'they' have an annual conference in Nottingham Ice Arena which is approximately 19 metres away from my shop's front door. Oh, that's always a fun Saturday afternoon. Like clockwork.

[scary-lady.livejournal.com]

I find that a very similar amount of dust is raised when I tell them I'm a Spritualist. Maybe we should set up a race & run a book.

[evil-chalkie.livejournal.com]

Top banana.
I personally offer to swap a daily satanist for one of their watch towers.
Taht generally gets them running

[ribble.livejournal.com]

At least the satanists have the good record collections, no?

[evil-chalkie.livejournal.com]

As i'm not a satanist i can't comment.
As a crusty old wiccan i can say YES!

[bluesman.livejournal.com]

Evil Chalkie's response is indeed deliciously evil. They love to debate doctrine with us Christians, and if I was a better bible student, maybe I could do that without resorting to a lame, spluttering, "Well, you...you...bloody blaspheming hell-bound gits are wrong and I'm right, so...bollocks t'you." My pastor always invites them in so he can shoot them down, and has been known to follow them down the street, still making his point.

Did you really say that to them? I suppose my version would be, "Yep, He's been happily kipping here since 1994, but you addlepated nerks can bugger off before I set the dog on you."

Speaking of which, I never had bother from either of those cults when I lived in Sunny Highland, CA. None of them seemed zealous enough to jump the fence into my yard, and face my two lively Alsatians.

[crazedgiggles.livejournal.com]

If you live where I do, you can sense them coming from down the street. Then, just answer the door blaring heavy metal music, and wearing nothing but black leather and a boa constrictor around your neck. They probably won't come back.

[westernind.livejournal.com]

According to maisiecat if they find out you have a snake they won't cross the threshold. Something to do with consorting with the Evil One out of Genesis.

(no, not Phil Collins.)

[november-girl.livejournal.com]

As I tend to like a bit of a debate I am quite fond of inviting them in if I have a couple of hours to spare. I can usually raise points to counter a lot of the things they come up with, and when they're getting a bit fed up and are making noises about leaving, I start another topic, and then another, until they've been there a good hour more than they wanted to be. Depending on the individuals involved, this will mean that either they never call round again, or else if they do call round they will settle easily for a "sorry I'm a bit busy at the moment, maybe another time?" without actually hassling me.

I also have the dubious accolade of having convinced a Jehovah's Witness that she was wrong - convinced her enough to bin her literature and get on the next bus. She was trying to convince me that all heavy metal fans are Satansits. Funnily enough she didn't have anything to back her argument.

[scary-lady.livejournal.com]

Thank you for today's laugh out loud moment.

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

Gotta have a larf entcha?

[mchoneygoose.livejournal.com]

I don't buy anything on the doorstop...that includes religion Ira (1994)

Anyway, if only a tiny proportion of folksies are allowed into heaven on judgement day why would I buy their watchtower rather than flogging me own???? Or did I miss something?

apologies for random comment...was playing the nth friend of nth friend game and couldn't help meself!

(yeah, yeah...I know!)

[littleonions.livejournal.com]

You'll get done for religous hatred with that kind of 'tude citizen Caddy.

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

Nah. These weird cults are our safety valve so we don't upset real religions.