Office foliage

Monday, February 13th, 2006 10:30 am
caddyman: (Default)
[personal profile] caddyman
The world’s most miserable tree has appeared in our office by the window. It’s a tree because it is indoors, outside it would be a sapling.

Now a healthy tree has a canopy that literally blocks out the sun. Even a young tree has a healthy covering of leaves if not as impressive a set as a mature specimen. This sad little thing has a single leaf for every foot of branch, and most of them are yellowy green rather than a good, rich green.

A little later when no one’s looking, I am going to give it a cup of coffee. That’ll perk it up.

(no subject)

Date: 2006-02-13 10:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ellefurtle.livejournal.com
I shall refrain from offering advice. My nickname "Death of Plants' was deservedly given. Whether I ignore them entirely, casually feed them coffee/cider/whatever is lying about or lavish them (in my way) with love and attention, they die.

I am good at weeding...I just turn up and try to nurture things

Under cover of darkness...

Date: 2006-02-13 11:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] smokingboot.livejournal.com
Run away with it, leaving a fiver in the pot, and plant the poor thing in the nearest sorry patch of greenery.

Obviously you may have to wear a disguise...

(no subject)

Date: 2006-02-13 11:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] westernind.livejournal.com
Weeping fig? They hate being moved. And they hate draughts. And when they're unhappy, the first thing they do is drop their leaves.

Poor little thing.

(no subject)

Date: 2006-02-13 12:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] caddyman.livejournal.com
I don't know what it is...

What few leaves it has are oval, but very pointed at the end.

Like this?

Date: 2006-02-13 12:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] westernind.livejournal.com
Don't water it, even with coffee. They have to completely dry out and overwatering is one of the quickest ways to kill them.

It's amazing how popular a houseplant they are when they're so high-maintenance.

Re: oops, image didn't work

Date: 2006-02-13 12:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] caddyman.livejournal.com
Similar enough to fool me, anyway.

Our sad specimen's leaves don't appear to be as glossy, but that may well be because it's poorly though...

(no subject)

Date: 2006-02-13 11:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ellefurtle.livejournal.com
Ooo you know plant names *bows down*

To be honest the word weeping kind of implies it isn't happy a lot of the time, no?

(no subject)

Date: 2006-02-13 01:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] romney.livejournal.com
Give the tree a hug.

If that does not work, try offering it a sacrifice. Suitable offerings do NOT include:

Unwanted liquids, however sourced;
Fag-ends;
Grape pips, orange peel etc. even if you claim it is compost or mulch;
Compost or mulch;
Paper-clips;
Toffee papers.

You might try spilling the blood of an office junior on its roots. If the tree improves, work you way up the management chain until the thing is sturdy enough to hang the Minister from its branches.

(no subject)

Date: 2006-02-13 01:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] caddyman.livejournal.com
A hug would break it; you can get your entire hand around the 'trunk'. My 8 year-old niece could get her hand around the trunk.

How well do "romneys" mulch?

(no subject)

Date: 2006-02-13 02:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ellefurtle.livejournal.com
mulch is bad?

*even more confused about plants*

cider is ok though, yes?

(no subject)

Date: 2006-02-13 06:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] romney.livejournal.com
Mulch is indeed good, perhaps even necessary. The point is that this then means it is absolutly no good as a sacrifice.

If X sacrifices to Y something that Y actually needs, it implies that X has some sort of hold over Y. So what Y should demand is something that is not needed, but which is precious to X or causes X some special effort to obtain.

So, in this case, mulch is not a worthy sacrifice. However, yes, cider is a possibility, particulary if Caddy is required to snatch the stuff from under the nose of DT ("special effort" = "having your fingers broke off, minced, mixed with broken glass and fed back to you")

So he wants his twig to grow up into a Whomping Willow, he shold make with the libations/plastc surgery rather than with the Sage's dog.

(no subject)

Date: 2006-02-13 07:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] caddyman.livejournal.com
I am as careless of the fate of the plant as I am of cider. You've been hitting the paracetamol again, haven't you?

(no subject)

Date: 2006-02-13 02:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sea-strands.livejournal.com
Is it definately alive? I once spent a few weeks talking to plants at work to perk them up only to catch my jumper on a leaf and pull it out to find it was sodding plastic.

(no subject)

Date: 2006-02-13 05:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] caddyman.livejournal.com
Well it's definitely not plastic, but as to whether or not it has shuffled off this mortal coil...

(no subject)

Date: 2006-02-13 06:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] queenortart.livejournal.com
I assume caffeinated?

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