Scratching an itch

[caddyman]

I have a horrible feeling that I have pencil marks on the back of my shirt, just between and below the shoulderblades - that bit you can't quite reach with your hands¹. The trouble is, as you will doubtless agree, that once the itch appears, it has to be scratched.

Having tried, as decorously and inconspicuously as possible, to reach around and scratch the itch, I resorted to casting around on my desk for implements to do the task, since in my leathered middle-age, I no longer have the requisite elasticity of arm to do it for myself. The coffee spoon is out: continued humidity (though, to be fair, not so much today) has ensured that there is a patina of coffee granules adhering to the bowl on it so that would be a poor idea.

I have tried rulers before, but we only have those useless and over-bendy plastic ones. A good back scratch requires a sturdy wooden ruler of at least 12" length. Sadly they belong to the Dickensian Civil Service and are only found as divisional heirlooms, passed from post-holder to post-holder and jealously guarded across the generations. Dead men's rulers, indeed.

The stapler might work, but visions of me stapling my shirt to my own back and the resultant horrors precluded experimentation in that direction. The hole punch is not quite the right shape.

That left me with a choice of pens or pencils. The cheap biros we are provided with are leakier than No.10 during conference season, so that meant that the trusty pencil was all that was left. By this time, of course, the itch had become intolerable and the priority was to scratch it. Only in that period of mid-scratch semi-relief did it occur to me that the blunt end might be a better choice. Happily I am wearing a grey shirt and the pencil was a simple HB – nothing too soft – so I may have got away with it.

But the worry lurks...


¹I used to be able to reach it in days gone by, but the old joints aren't as flexible as they once were.

Comments

[fencingsculptor.livejournal.com]

I'm sure that in the golden years of the Civil Service, you know when they used to deliver coal to one's office, that one could have ordered s bespoke wooden 'back sratcher' complete with carved hand at the business end.

I suspect in these modern times you will have to advertise for the role of ‘ back scratcher’ and provide SMART objectives .....

Eg ESSENTIAL SKILLS : Ability to 'Scratch Bosses Back'. Reciprocal Back Scratching arrangements to be agreed.

[bluesman.livejournal.com]

You could just rub your back on the doorpost, dear boy.

I know I've pointed this out before, but I do remember being very impressed that your elasticity of limb enabled you to insert either of your big toes into your mouth, in the school swimming pool. After all, we were both incapable of any of the curricular activities required when we infested the thing. God bless us for that.

[ysharros.livejournal.com]

"A good back scratch requires a sturdy wooden ruler of at least 12" length"

Not so, not so. I have for years been using a bendy but sturdy shatterproof plastic ruler with lovely sharp edges for those really nasty pinpoint itches one can't reach.

I have to admit though, last time I bought some wooden kitchen implements, the set came with a giant fork-shaped thing (sort of like a salad-tossing fork on steroids) that I knew I'd never use in the kitchen. It was instantly pressed into the Lumbar Service and has performed sterling services ever since. I just hope it never develops splinters.

[pauln.livejournal.com]

Is this the point at which I should direct a lady to catpooka's service, the defintely nsfw Transports of Delight?

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid that we must differ over the efficacy of plastic rulers - though I am willing to admit that a more sturdy plastic than I have available would prolly help.

But that wooded salad fork - that sounds the business.

I have a wooden back scratcher at home - I bought it in Alexandria VA. Best 99c + tax I ever spent.