Sith still and pay attention

The cultural imperative is fulfilled, and I can now go on with the rest of my life. All in all, I think it would have been better to watch the European Cup final – especially in view of the result, but when ticket purchase was offered, I forgot about the game entirely, and said yes.

So, was it worth the wait; was it any good? Suffice it to say that cliché is officially dead. Lucas has bought the rights to every cinematic cliché out there. He has repainted, remodelled and polished them, and placed them on prominent display as part of the background. They have entered the mainstream – particularly the ever cheesy, Noooooooooo!!!! (It’s that Toy Story 2 moment, but Buzz and Woody did it better).

Quite apart from technical innovation, though – the movie is as pretty and busy as ever – Lucas has to be commended on his ability to coax wooden displays from otherwise talented actors. Ewan MacGregor struggled manfully with the horrible dialogue, a couple of times going through what should have been a dark and melancholic scene with a suppressed smile on his face (Don’t think about the dialogue. Think about the money). Natalie Portman tried hard, but had nothing to work with. It must be hard enough to act against blue screen, but to combine that with a plank for most of the movie…

Which brings me to George Lucas, who receives my heartiest congratulations. In casting Hayden Christiansen to play Darth Vader, he has made another addition to the cinematic process: the petulant piece of wood. Back in the days when the original movies were filmed, the actors played to a prop which was then replaced with a creature through various techniques. Now, the actor is digitally replaced by a piece of mahogany. The circle is complete.

Questions:

1 Did anybody see what happened to Anakin’s light sabre at the end of his fight with Obi-Wan? I ask because someone asked me. I was past caring by then.

2 When the little green bogey was fighting the bigger grey one, could anyone remember which one of the two originally had Jim Henson’s hand up his bum? At times the CGI Yoda was a more believable actor than Emperor (“Behind You”) Palpatine. A long and distinguished line of pantomime turns would have been horribly bewildered by that performance.

3 Is the wearing of odd buns on the side of the head genetic?

Given that you probably have no choice but to watch the movie – it’s practically the law, after all – do yourself a favour. Go on an Orange two-for-one night, get the cheapest deal you can. Pay no more than £3.80 for the privilege. At that price you can ignore the dialogue and think of the money you’ve saved.

Sith still and pay attention

The cultural imperative is fulfilled, and I can now go on with the rest of my life. All in all, I think it would have been better to watch the European Cup final – especially in view of the result, but when ticket purchase was offered, I forgot about the game entirely, and said yes.

So, was it worth the wait; was it any good? Suffice it to say that cliché is officially dead. Lucas has bought the rights to every cinematic cliché out there. He has repainted, remodelled and polished them, and placed them on prominent display as part of the background. They have entered the mainstream – particularly the ever cheesy, Noooooooooo!!!! (It’s that Toy Story 2 moment, but Buzz and Woody did it better).

Quite apart from technical innovation, though – the movie is as pretty and busy as ever – Lucas has to be commended on his ability to coax wooden displays from otherwise talented actors. Ewan MacGregor struggled manfully with the horrible dialogue, a couple of times going through what should have been a dark and melancholic scene with a suppressed smile on his face (Don’t think about the dialogue. Think about the money). Natalie Portman tried hard, but had nothing to work with. It must be hard enough to act against blue screen, but to combine that with a plank for most of the movie…

Which brings me to George Lucas, who receives my heartiest congratulations. In casting Hayden Christiansen to play Darth Vader, he has made another addition to the cinematic process: the petulant piece of wood. Back in the days when the original movies were filmed, the actors played to a prop which was then replaced with a creature through various techniques. Now, the actor is digitally replaced by a piece of mahogany. The circle is complete.

Questions:

1 Did anybody see what happened to Anakin’s light sabre at the end of his fight with Obi-Wan? I ask because someone asked me. I was past caring by then.

2 When the little green bogey was fighting the bigger grey one, could anyone remember which one of the two originally had Jim Henson’s hand up his bum? At times the CGI Yoda was a more believable actor than Emperor (“Behind You”) Palpatine. A long and distinguished line of pantomime turns would have been horribly bewildered by that performance.

3 Is the wearing of odd buns on the side of the head genetic?

Given that you probably have no choice but to watch the movie – it’s practically the law, after all – do yourself a favour. Go on an Orange two-for-one night, get the cheapest deal you can. Pay no more than £3.80 for the privilege. At that price you can ignore the dialogue and think of the money you’ve saved.