I suppose this counts as one of those things I don't do...

[caddyman]

As stolen from many people:

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often or ever) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me.

It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE.

I am perked up, if still too hot. The battery on my Walkman is down to 50%, so may not last out: I need the divertissement...

Comments

[snorkel-maiden.livejournal.com]

Do you remember that amazing Indian restaurant we went to in Amsterdam? You had a lamb dhansak and I had my standard vegetable korma, and we discussed cross-dressing American politicians while getting steadily drunker from the Tiger beer. Good times!

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

Indeed, and that trick you did with the Keema Nan and a ten Guilder note. I didn't sleep for a week!

[snorkel-maiden.livejournal.com]

Ahh, that old chestnut. It gets them every time!

[davidt3001.livejournal.com]

Remember that time you, me and Richard Dawkins were roasting marshmallows over a smouldering pile of King James bibles? I thought that they tasted a bit meaty, like underdone crackling, but I digress.

"Getting people to do stuff merely by telling them" Dawkins said. "We need a word for that."

"Suggestion. Orders. Mesmerism. There are dozens, you quack" you replied.

"No, we need a catchier word. Preferably Greek."

"Meme", you said. "But it will never catch on."

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

Good Lord, yes. I’d forgotten all about that.

"Me, me, me! That’s all you talk about," he said. How we laughed.

We were moved on shortly afterward by a moustachioed commissionaire who took exception to you folding origami penguins out of singed pages from Exodus as I recall.

[keresaspa.livejournal.com]

What about that time you and me declared war on the Khanate of the Golden Horde? OK, so they narrowly defeated us but still, there were 347 million of them and only two of us.

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

It still gives me the willies now.

If we hadn’t thought to spike the tea with whisky, the jig would have been up and no mistake. Of course, your impression of Tamburlaine, using the riding crop as a fake moustache and the car rug as a kilt slowed them down long enough for me to hide the evidence!

[keresaspa.livejournal.com]

It still gives me the willies now

You shouldn't have castrated all those prisoners then :D

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

That was accidental. The chop sticks slipped while I was tightening the valve.

[nyarbaggytep.livejournal.com]

There was that one mission, just before you left the service, do you remember? Of course, I can't talk about it openly, but all I am going to say is I still have the remains of that swiss army knife as a memento...

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

Do you know it took me three weeks to get that castor wheel out of the small of my back? It's the primary reason I never went east again.

[nyarbaggytep.livejournal.com]

Only three weeks? I'm surprised, it was a very accurate shot.

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

I know; I was very lucky - it had a left handed thread, so it worked partially loose all by itself. The hippo jaw helped, mind.

[fen-wolfchile.livejournal.com]

Remember that tea house in Gion.
You swore there were ninja’s everywhere…
I swore you were drunk…
Then our host for the evening fell flat into his sushi with a small dart sticking from his neck!

How we got out alive I’m not sure, although using the empty sake bottle as impromptu grenade was moment of genius.

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

We couldn't have done it if you hadn't shouted 'one hundred and eighty' in Japanese, making them pause just long enough for me to light the blow fish fuse.

[fen-wolfchile.livejournal.com]

Actually it was i taiwanese, control had messed up my language course.

Quite frankly I'm surprised they remembered to issues passports sometimes.

[fencingsculptor.livejournal.com]

I say, what about that time when we attempted to cross the Chola Pass, when we were caught between that heard of rather irate yaks and that those rather rum looking Tibetan trader chaps !

Bit grim what !?

Pity poor old Hetherington-Smythe didn’t make it.
I remember you tried to convince him that drenching himself in black treacle toffee and wearing a shaggy old sheep skin to disguise himself as a female Nak and attempting to hide in the heard was a bad idea.

T’was brutal watching those Yaks going at ‘im….
Brutal.

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

You know, I haven't been able to look a dona kebab square in the face since...

[maleghast.livejournal.com]

It seems I'm not the only one to have been in the odd scrape with you, old boy... Anyway, reading the remembrance of things past as laid out by others was indeed the madeleine to my own recollection and it has brought to mind my most treasured memory of our adventures together...

We had been traveling up the White Nile for days, Fortesque was already lost to the Malaria - a dead man walking - and morale was at an all time low, when you showed your mettle once again by remembering that crocodile was actually not a bad meal at a push and the chaps were all a lot more cheerful after we'd tied up the boat, watched you wrestle a croc in the shallows and then had a good old sing-song around the fire while the scaly bugger filled our bellies. Good Times!

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

Ah, you grant me too great a share of the credit Old Chap.

Had Fortesque's teak leg been a couple of inches shorter, the brute would have been able to close its jawas and we should have gone hungry that night.

Poor old Forteque. To choke to death on the quinine whilst getting over the malaria like that...

[anubisgrrl.livejournal.com]

Roaches, it had to be roaches. I am not sure what possessed you to buy that tin whistle from that street vender on the way to pub that night. We all thought you were being very eccentric indeed. The way the man cackled when you handed over the fiver should have tipped you off.

Of course, you had to play the blasted thing. And there they came--the roaches, scurrying, twitching, and dancing. Man, could those little bastards dance! I think it was a jig of some sort, though I swear a few were Morris dancing in one corner with a broken cocktail sword and discarded sweets wrappers.

It was fine until they started synchronized swimming in the cider!

Last time we let you talk to mad whistle men in Clapham!

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

But you must admit that it was a rare sight when we lined them up and made them dance the can-can!

[fen-wolfchile.livejournal.com]

You always were a sucker for a dodgy deal.
Remember the rejuvenating cream you acquired from that toothless chap in the snug at the Pig and Plum?

[theo]

Which of us first thought of cleaning and tidying Beastie's bedroom while he was out? It didn't seem so funny when he vanished for 36 hours while trying to find where his home had gone. Perhaps he can laugh about it now.

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

On the other hand, I can certainly laugh! The sight of him scuttling around wide-eyed looking for his acorn stash will live with me forever.

[motorpickle.livejournal.com]

Remember when you opened the envelope at the pub quiz and won the prize money....

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

Sadly the jackpot that week was £3.20 and we had to have a whip round to make up the money for a couple of pints.

[sack-boy.livejournal.com]

Do you recall the time we were having a nice cup of tea in the Lab, when you accidentally nudged the controls of the Chronovacillator 2000? We didn't notice until we examined the telemetry from the probe. Of course no-one else will ever know that the prototype wasn't triggered at the Martian L2 lagrangian point on December 25th 5 B.C. Fortunately the Tunguska region was uninhabited.

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

Don't blame me, Me Laddo. If you'd left the Bambleweeny Sub-Meason Brain plugged in as I'd asked, the damn thing would have bounced off Shoemaker-Levy as intended and two events would have been prevented!

[sack-boy.livejournal.com]

It was plugged in, but for some reason no one fed the meter with tuppences.

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Remember our hair salon/ burger joint venture 'Perm 'n' Vermin'? We could have been rich if you hadn't listened to Branson...

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

Aye, tis easy to be wise after the event. "Curl up and Dye" indeed....

[trav28.livejournal.com]

During the late 80's we did too much speed on the M1 while driving your Ford Granada backwards. To avoid being stopped by coppers we made a rest stop at a little chef. After watching the Armenian prostitute waitress dancing on counter, she said avoid the cherry pancakes as the chef did not wash his hands prior to preparing them. The red curtained staff area remained off limits but that Armenian waitress was pretty persuasive.

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

What you didn't know was that I saw the cherry pancakes a couple of days later after I'd sorted out the gearbox on the Granada and got it driving forwards. They were hanging on the line out back of the Little Chef like little chamois leathers.

One of them winked at me.

[romney.livejournal.com]

Now then, put me straight. Was it my idea or yours to steal that blasted Idol?
I know we took it in turns to drag it back down the mountain trail, and I know we divvied-up the gold foil we spent half the night scraping off of the dratted thing. (Which quite ruined the penknife my Uncle Agatha gave me at the last St Crispin’s day hunt he was able to attend before the affair with the ostrich)
And, dear chap, I’m also happy that it was you that won the Emerald when we drew lots for it (best of three - my pack of cards, then your pack of cards, then the new unmarked pack)
But now, it seems the Curse is determined to follow not the current owner of the bloody stone, but the chap who decided to steal it. After all, you sold it to Tompkins and I believe he’s just inherited his Father’s estate, fortunes and mistresses.
So I suppose I’d better get to the point, as the little chaps with the blowpipes are becoming a bit impatient. Dear chap, if it was you that decided to steal the thing, can you reply to this email and provide me with your current address?

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

It was all an horrific misunderstanding; I thought you said 'bone idle' so I was surprised as anyone when we ended up with a little statuette.

As to the Emerald, Aunt Rupert wears it on that gold chain she uses for the State Opening of the pantry. Hedges the butler stares at it and repeats everything she tells him.