An oldie, but a goldie...

[caddyman]

The following have all appeared in church magazines so let us thank God for church ladies with typewriters.

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Next weekend's Fasting & Prayer Conference in Whitby includes all meals.
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Sunday morning sermon: 'Jesus Walks on the Water'
Sunday evening sermon: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation .
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The school drama group will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church hall on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!'

Comments

[velvet-the-cat.livejournal.com]

*giggle*

[littleonionz.livejournal.com]

*cackles* Thank you so much. I read the list during a very long and very painful telephone monologuing from my Mother,although I did have to pretend to have a bit of a cough due to sniggering naughtily.

[fencingsculptor.livejournal.com]

My Mother was a parish secretary and has seen some absolute howlers along these lines.

My favorite is "Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered....."

Reminds me of that Monty Python sketch .....

[bluesman.livejournal.com]

-snigger-

My wife compiles our weekly church bulletin. If there was something like these in there, our pastor would explode. Some people have no sense of humour.

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

He sounds a bit of an eejit, quite frankly. People can't complain too loudly about honest mistakes, especially when they are made by unpaid amateurs, like most of these would have been.

[bluesman.livejournal.com]

He is. Nothing is ever right. Many people have left the church, especially volunteers whose performance he has criticised. People joke that he needs to Get Jesus.

[fencingsculptor.livejournal.com]

As 4/5 year old I used to love watching the reruns of the old Adam West Batman TV series on BBC2.

One week the following Sunday the priest wearing Dark green vestments, stood and said "Let us Pray" raising his arms as he did....as the congregation stood up and the scuffelling noise died away, I piped up....Look Mummy it's Batman.

Everyone heard.

My poor mother looked mortified...