Update

[caddyman]

Thanks to everyone who commented on my last post about Mum. It’s easier to update from here than to respond individually, though I’d like to if I had more time.

She will be seeing the doctor again today and my sister will bring up the issue of eating and drinking. I don’t think that for the next couple of days it will be too much of a problem, because finally Mum remarked her mouth was dry and managed to drink some squash, so hopefully she is at least beginning to get some liquid in her, albeit not enough. She has lost quite a bit of weight and can’t afford to lose much more, but if necessary, she will just have to go back in to hospital and be fed through an IV. We don’t want that, obviously, but the strain of visiting on a daily basis is frankly less on my sister than the stress of watching Mum slowly starve and dehydrate, even if she herself is not fully aware of it.

The logistics of the situation mean that while she is not on her own for prolonged periods, other than a six hour period on Fridays, there is no one at home all the time to try the ‘little and often’ option of feeding and drinking. I really don’t know how we’re going to square this circle and keep Mum at home. I don’t know if it can be squared.

I worry that the best case scenario is that Mum will end up in a home, which I think might finish her off. My sister is worried that Mum has quietly given up and is content to just fade away. I’m not convinced, but I don’t see her every day.

Comments

[snorkel-maiden.livejournal.com]

Can she / anyone afford to get a carer in for half an hour a day? Just to remind her to have a drink and so on? I doubt there's anything from the council but there are private companies you can ask, though I have no idea how much they charge these days.

[changeling72.livejournal.com]

Oh Lord. What an awful situation. Is there a middle ground, such as sheltered accomodation she could go into?

[nortysarah.livejournal.com]

I know homes seem like awful places, but actually a good home can be fantastic. My dad and my nan were both admitted for respite care - dad, because he was so underweight, it had affected his brain. Admittedly my mum was looking after my dad, but she was at the end of her tether. He went into an RAF home and they treated him like he was still serving, which for him was the best approach. My nan was in a great home too. She needed respite after an operation. She was housebound and had put on a lot of weight. The home got her walking independently and had a regular exercise programme. She lost weight and decided to stay and went on and on. I think it was 12 years. She had a six month expectancy when admitted.
You'll know what's best. It's a desperately hard time and I hope you're able to make a decision that you're happy with.

[romney.livejournal.com]

Respite is a possibility, which is not as bad as "going into a home", although it might then gently turn into one.

The council may well provide drop-in carers to prepare/offer food and drinks three times a day. Would need to be assessed and procedure will differ from county/health authority to another. Referral from GP? - don't know; my Mum's referral came after some time in hospital. Carers were generally excellent although limited in both time and what they were able to spend that time on.

And finally, I've seen the "content to fade away" happen several times in the past year. It really is not as traumatic as it sounds if it's the right time for it. Struggling for a small amount of extra time is worthy if you are trying to finish writing a book, waiting to see a distant relative, or remember the security codes to the Swiss Bank Account, but otherwise... who really knows. It's a difficult subject. You will be very self-critical - or critical of other family members - *whatever* happens. There is no *right* thing.

It's certainly a very, very hard situation to have to face up to.