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caddymanI think that now the Papal election is now over, with its Kremlinesque secrecy, the time is right to explain to the world how the selection is made. It's a theory that fits the known facts:
Having been locked into the Vatican, for this comparatively rare junket, the cardinals form into sixteen or so groups and break out the cards, havanas and whisky. This is a test of mental dexterity and endurance; what better way than to take a bunch of elderly men and make them play poker whilst smoking and drinking?
At the end of each session, when the winner takes all at each table, the remainder drop out. The fans are turned on and the dark Havana smoke is expelled through the chimney. The world sees that there is no pope, and the cardinals form up into fewer card schools and deal again.
The process is repeated until the cardinals are whittled down by drink, nicotine and poker, until there is only one left (there can be only one, as it were). At each stage, as the numbers are reduced, the cigar smoke is let out to clear the air.
Once the last cardinal is left standing - the one who can drink the rest under the table, chain smoke havanas for at least a day and a half, and still win at poker - we have a pope.
Of course, they have to burn his clothes and all the card decks because they would stink of smoke, vomit and alcohol and give the game away. Up goes the white smoke. It then takes a half hour to get the pissed old bugger showered, dressed and plied with enough coffee so that he can stand on the balcony and read the big print version of the bible in Latin to the crowd of faithful in the square.
This also explains why there is a cluster of cardinals and monseigneurs etc clustering round any new pope; he needs propping up, being tired, emotional and as refreshed as a newt.
Having been locked into the Vatican, for this comparatively rare junket, the cardinals form into sixteen or so groups and break out the cards, havanas and whisky. This is a test of mental dexterity and endurance; what better way than to take a bunch of elderly men and make them play poker whilst smoking and drinking?
At the end of each session, when the winner takes all at each table, the remainder drop out. The fans are turned on and the dark Havana smoke is expelled through the chimney. The world sees that there is no pope, and the cardinals form up into fewer card schools and deal again.
The process is repeated until the cardinals are whittled down by drink, nicotine and poker, until there is only one left (there can be only one, as it were). At each stage, as the numbers are reduced, the cigar smoke is let out to clear the air.
Once the last cardinal is left standing - the one who can drink the rest under the table, chain smoke havanas for at least a day and a half, and still win at poker - we have a pope.
Of course, they have to burn his clothes and all the card decks because they would stink of smoke, vomit and alcohol and give the game away. Up goes the white smoke. It then takes a half hour to get the pissed old bugger showered, dressed and plied with enough coffee so that he can stand on the balcony and read the big print version of the bible in Latin to the crowd of faithful in the square.
This also explains why there is a cluster of cardinals and monseigneurs etc clustering round any new pope; he needs propping up, being tired, emotional and as refreshed as a newt.