Ye Gods and Little Fishes

[caddyman]

Does anyone know where I can rent a Sedan Chair and two burly servants at a knock down price?

Last night I thought my back was finally showing signs of sorting itself out. This morning it was as bad as ever, and I seem to be chobbling back painkillers like they're going out of fashion (though I am careful to limit the paracetamol based stuff).

This is well past being a joke, but short of declaring it a medical emergency (which it patently isn't), I can't get to the quack until Tuesday morning.

Fek. Fekkity fek.

And Ow. Owowowowowowowow.

I am truly fed up with this.

Comments

You need "Honest Abe's Cart-U-Round"

[romney.livejournal.com]

Five Guineas - Deluxe service
Carried in gilded palanquin borne by four Nubian slaves. You are preceded by trumpeters and a uniformed crier announcing your fame. Tapestry drapes. Silk cushions. Choice of wenches, with a complementary grape peeler.

One Guinea - Ambassador service
Transported in lacquered Sedan chair by champion weightlifters. Preceded by liveried footman bearing your standard and a boy-drummer. Damask curtains. Satin cushions. Dusky Oriental lass serving Champagne.

Ten Shillings - Business class
Borne on a litter by two stevedores. Private guard to expedite passage. Cotton drapes and cushions. Professional lady available at cost. Wine is served.

5 shillings - Tourist
Rickshaw pulled by local street-person. Accompanied by Tout. Bring a rug from your hotel. Pause at street corner for introduction to local working girls. Hot-dog from handcart.

1 shilling - Commuter
Chase after bus, followed by pickpocket. Loose scarf and gloves. Stood up by harlot. Street pizza.

1d - Deadbeat
Drunken labourer drags you around by your heels. Chased by rabid dog. Choice of venereal disease.

Gratis - Pauper
Share wheelbarrow with plague victim. Stoned by angry crowd. Last rites mumbled by defrocked priest.