Carb conundrum

[caddyman]

I may have been a little unwise.

We had a branch meeting this afternoon – a weekly occurrence – and the gaffer brought in doughnuts. This happens from time to time and we all rather appreciate it. Normally he just nips in to Sainsbury’s and purchases a box of their rather chewy jam doughnuts. Today he went to Krispy Kreme

Now there is something about a Krispy Kreme doughnut that is unlike just about any other doughnut on earth. I mean quite apart from the wide selection of fillings and icings &c. The actual dough bit is different, too. I am not sure what they do to them or what they are made from, but they are quite clearly different.

I think my mistake was to go back for a second, given that there were spares.

The first doughnut was, to all intents and purposes a straight forward jam one with icing on. As is natural to its kind, it was oval and there was a hint of red at one end, revealing a hint of the jammy goodness inside. The thing is, I am not sure that red stuff was jam. I mean it tasted well, red. I am pretty sure that you are not supposed to be able to identify colour by taste. The doughnut itself was comparatively crisp on the outside yet chewy on the inside, like some bloated legless bug¹. I am more than half sure that it cunningly avoided most if not all of the major food groups, which considering that I have a rather lax definition of same, is saying something.

I should have left it there, but a little later in the afternoon, I discovered that there was one left. A strange brown ring confection with the shape and consistency of a puckered turd². I am not sure what it was made from either; it was more cakey than doughy. I think chemical waste may have been involved.

Now it would be pushing it to suggest that I can see through time and space having eaten these items, but there is a quite distinct prism effect around objects more than a couple of yards away, and my hands are buzzing just short of the speed needed to phase through solid matter. I think I must be on the tail end of the sugar rush from Hell.

I may dispense with dinner tonight, or restrict myself to a TUC biscuit before bed.

¹Which, sadly, is not unlike I feel at the moment.

²With 20/20 hindsight, that should have been warning enough.

Comments

[davidt3001.livejournal.com]

Crispy Creme are heavily hydrogenated and vegetively shortened artery cogging hockey pucks of evil. They're losing market share in the land of the free, and their manufacturers (or, perhaps franchisees) may be getting worried about the iminent compulsary content labeling.

Their principal advantage is that you can buy them drive-thru [sic], thus cpsare yourself thhe inconvenience of going into a shop.

[mollpeartree.livejournal.com]

They're losing market share in the land of the free,

What I've read is, they expanded too rapidly, and in venues in which the donuts could not be served fresh, and so got a bad name for themselves. Krispy Kreme donuts are best eaten without any fancy toppings and hot out of the oven, and the original franchises had a sign outdoors that would light up when a new batch was out, but a year or two ago they put up a stand of day-old ones in my local supermarket. It used to be this mysterious kind of donut that you could only get in the south and transplants would reminisce about them, and then suddenly they were everywhere, and not very good. I'm still a big fan (we have a proper store way the hell and gone north of where I live, and every once in a while some kind soul will bring some down to the South Side), but you've got to re-heat them if they're not fresh, and there's no reason for there to be any kind other than plain.

[davidt3001.livejournal.com]

We were talking about this in the office. Mexican donuts from bakeries on the east side (that is, of El Paso) are superior to CCs in every way. Sometimes they sell them upstairs (I'm not sure what else they do upstairs, but the 6th floor is the home of wonderful 50c tamales) and they go fast. You are correct, of course, there is no reason for a sticky donut. Aside from the kind they used to do in England, which are entirely glazed in a light syrup that sets hard in about a minute. The bread itself was probably fried in lard, so you got a sweet carapace around a savory interior. Not health food by any means, mind you.

[bluesman.livejournal.com]

Okay, I need to move to Texas...

[romney.livejournal.com]

The last-in-the-box is always the cruller. You can now do Xander Harris quotes.

[ellefurtle.livejournal.com]

bleeuugggh! Doughnuts me no likey!

Poor boy. have salad for....3 weeks! hehehe

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

So let's see...

doughnuts
milk
fish
flapjacks
biscuits (excl. jammy dodgers)cake
egg yolks...

Coo. And them's just the ones I can recall of the top of mer head! Just as well you like cheese - we'd be in a right pickle otherwise!

[ellefurtle.livejournal.com]

But, to be fair I will all of them apart from fish if mixed in with things!

Well, poss not flapjacks. Is like eating cork with treacle!


AND RAISINS

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

AND RAISINS

*Nods. Adds raisins to list*

You make flapjacks sound like a bad thing...

[ellefurtle.livejournal.com]

well, not bad...I just don't think I got the memo. I don't understand flapjacks.

and hey, you get to have them all!

[agentinfinity.livejournal.com]

Once upon a time I ate a Twinky. From that day forward I have been of the firm opinion that America has nothing to offer us by way of confectionary.

[bluesman.livejournal.com]

As I go to a church whose head pastor loves doughnuts, and work with people who love 'em too, I get to sample the things quite often, and I gather that Krispy Kremes are regarded as the best doughnuts around. To me, they seem a bit generic, compared to the ones you get at mom'n'pop doughnut joints. Still, wherever they're made, it's a rule of thumb that the jammy ones do not actually contain jam, nor do the lemon curdy ones actually contain lemon curd. They contain a vaguely syrupy goo that is far too sickly sweet to be consumed by any but the most foolhardy, and will indeed give you a sugar rush so intense that you feel like your stomach is travelling up to your throat and that you are entering a Warp In The Time-Space Continuum (hence the palpitations and phase-shifting, Bwy).

I always find that sugar rushes can be cured jolly nicely by swift, noisy ingestion of a family-sized bagful of hickory barbecue crisps. Saltyyyy!

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

You always were the health freak of the two of us, Old Boy...

[bluesman.livejournal.com]

URP! (parp!)

[keresaspa.livejournal.com]

restrict myself to a TUC biscuit

Assuming the TUC biscuit doesn't go on strike over restrictive practices, of course.

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

No, it was carried by block vote!

[binidj.livejournal.com]

Krispy Kreme doughnuts are the food of the gods I tell you! Sadly, or perhaps fortunately, I know of nowhere local that sells them ... otherwise I would be riding the Relentless and Krispy Kreme express route to deity-hood ... ahhhh the super-powers ... ah the inter-planar vibrations!

Ia! Ia! Krispy Kreme ftagn!